network

unfortunately, i've found myself suffering from a case of heartbreak. not of the typical cause. but all heartbreaks have the same symptoms. a feeling of shattering.
i find it interesting how each case of heartbreak resurfaces all the old cases. scars itch sometimes. i know that. i shouldn't be so surprised.

this ailment caused me to seek refuge back into my room. to get away from all the noise and return to a place of comfort.
however, i've been spending so much time out in the world that i've failed to take care of my home. i don't think i have the amount of energy a healthy human has, so every day of life is rather exhausting. and when you're largely solo-leveling, every task takes more time. i come home after taking care of my financial and social needs just to barely have enough time to squeeze in a meal, a shower, and some entertainment. not to mention the other chores i need to do in between everything. and the physical distance between it all.

i was disgusted at the mess in front of me, but this illness prevented me from getting up and changing anything. the dishes are piling up. when was the last time i did the laundry? ugh fuck and i need to take out the trash. and where tf is the cat food? it said it was delivered. fuck it's probably next door. i don't want to go outside. i don't wany anyone to see me. i don't want to go outside again. i don't want to be here. and i still need to make all those appointments. fuck and i forgot to respond to so-and-so. ugh fuck why why why did they do this to me? i can't focus. why did they do this? i can't stand them. i can't stand any of this shit. what were they thinking? i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to be here anymore. why did they hurt me? and it's not just them.
i cried. from the stress. from the aching.

until my little kitty's OBNOXIOUS FUCKING CRIES snapped me out of it.
i apologized to her and quickly made my way to the fridge to get her the last quarter of the pate. my cat learned to sit before eating, so i waited for my cue before placing the food down. i crouched down to pet her. the tears and snot were dripping down my face and onto the floor while i was giggling to myself that my cat fully doesn't give a shit that i'm crying. she's just thinking mmm nyam nyam pate nyam scrimp pate nyam mnyam mm with gravy nyam nyam. and i respect that.

i took a deep breath and wiped my tears. and snot. i did what i could, giving myself the grace to leave the rest for a future me. and as the spoiled brat i am, i requested to WFH for the rest of the week. s/o to flexible working hours fr.
this allowed me the time to decompress. reprioritize. ruminate a lil. ponder the orb. and with a clearer mind, i could finally take care of my home. and now my e-home!
and it's great timing too. so many others seem to be in the web editing mood too.

every time i get caught up in the nonsense and bullshit of the physical world, i'm always lulled into a calmness by the kind usernames glowing on my screen. bits of advice. friendly conversation. goofs and gaffs.

but...

that sense of comfort i was craving after having returned to a familiar place never came.

and now i have to go to bed. i have to work tomorrow. i hope it doesn't rain. and that the trains are scheduled normally. did i put my laptop in my bag? and i need to pack lunch. and pick an outfit for tomorrow. i wonder if it's warm enough to wear that dress. then i'll brush my teeth. take my meds. ugh i should've blow-dried my hair. it's all frizzy now. oh wait wtf there are still dishes in the sink?

"Weaving through the coast mountain range in the spring is about as predictable as bull-riding. Sheer faces of jagged rock glisten in the damp and conifers ejecting towers of mist that rise and settle in suspension over the valley and the little metal boxes who haste through it. The sky releases dense rain and windshield wipers at their fastest clamber to keep up with the rate the windscreen is obscured. Just through the thick of it the clouds break and allow the sun to reach back through to bless its children, but this is a mirage. Before long the overcast closes back in and with it the oppressive rainfall, the hazard of the road climbs tenfold again. At times the side windows streak and speckle with water, making blind spots truly blind. In this weather mountaintops have a habit of peering out from under the plume, greeting hello and goodbye as you continue.

Alongside on the highway a lifted black F350 Super Duty defines excess in the fast lane. You can taste the arrogance in the exhaust fumes and when the tires cut through puddles the collateral splashes straight into the windscreen, as if the insatiable driver spit into your face personally.

The downpour and its implications are welcome here. More and more often our summers are replaced by wildfire season. Instead of plumes of mist and comforting blankets of fog we are buried by layers of smoke. Smoke that dries you no matter how much you drink, the smoke that stings no matter how much you blink. The inescapable smell of campfire; proof that there can be too much of a good thing. The smoke that robs you of breath and blue sky. The smoke that brings the bugs out - every insect in the land emerges en masse. In daytime as well as night moths and gnats swarm the light of a gas station like a horde of confused locusts. Mosquitoes do the same but are only after the source of your breath. Every little thing with wings emerges to feast on the Earth's carcass. Driving through the haze will leave the front end of your car looking like a paintball field, minus the neon. Every year this happens and feels more apocalyptic - every year the anxiety grows that our children will catch as many summertime tans as youth in Beijing, or when they finally climb a mountain that called to them as children their reward will be a red disk in a deluge, instead of the depth and blue of the sky colliding with the sea interspersed by flickers of light catching more waves than a hairy van-lifer in the 60s. We would like to believe things were always like this. But we are young, not necessarily stupid - deep down we know the score, but feel powerless to change it. It is an unspoken truth. The best option is to savour while it lasts."
bluntsmoker - 4/22/2024

there are a lot of things that i do not know how to implement. if you have any suggestions/guides on how i can achieve the following goals, please contact me!

webamp in fixed position upon loading

webamp player transparent then transition to opaque upon hover (thanks shinobu!)

wtf is an RSS and how do i feed it? (thanks jojo!)