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i'm experiencing what i think is called "gender euphoria" and everyone needs to know.

as i've grown into my adult body, i often find myself hating the way it looks because there are just so many avenues that i can go down in regards to fashion. i've gone through so many fashion phases. most notably, i was an alt-adjacent baddie out of high school that turned into a dark bohemian when the pandemic hit. which btw was really hard to translate into something i could wear to work. i think this fact was made even worse because i went straight into office jobs. corporate workwear is quite bland. or siren-y. and i'm neither! i'm more of a cutie-pie than a sexy office siren, but it's hard to find cute clothes for grown women.

or so i thought, until i walked into a vintage store that had gems on gems on gems hanging on those racks. i found so many pieces, right next to one another, that would typically take months to find in a regular thrift store. i was about to put down this blue mesh shirt because how tf am i supposed to wear that, but thank goodness i was there with the gals, who reassured me that i can wear a black camisole underneath.

is that not inappropriate to wear to work? i asked.
girl, who gives a fuck, my friend replied.

so true, but i don't really want to turn any heads.
then i remembered an episode of the best sitcom of all time, girlfriends, where joan, a corporate lawyer, wore a seethrough top to work with only a bra underneath. of course it caused a bit of a stir, but i guess that is the whole point. it's okay to turn heads, as long as i'm covered and comfortable. and with that motivation, i continued to sift through the racks.

i eventually found this sleeveless, jewel-neck, scrunchy top with a hypnotizing pattern on it. it is 100% work appropriate, and i'm a sucker for funky patterns, so that was an immediate purchase. there were a few other garments i almost could not resist, but every piece was ~$20, so i had to be really picky. some gems had to be put back on the rack as they were damaged, made with scratchy fabric, or wouldn't fit right.

and then i found it. the hot pink lace chemise with black lace trim of my dreams. a la the one i saw in that one episode of girlfriends that maya was wearing during her encounter w/ darnell post marriage counseling. it's my size, undamaged, AND soft!?
...ermmm, yea this is definitely coming with me.

i walked up to that check-out counter with my head held high. and i found a little spam keychain that i picked up for the friend that reassured me about the first blouse. absolutely blessed shopping spree.

once i got home, i washed it real real well (especially because secondhand dirty-deed clothes are typically nasty af) then immediately put it on once it dried. i haven't been able to take it off since. i will wash and dry this thing every day if i have to.

does all this shopping talk fatigue you? well, you should know that fashion is an integral part of the human condition. you have to wear clothes out in the world (which may be unfortunate to some, but they got some screws missing. full offense), so it's worth exploring and improving in. it's also one of the easiest ways to express yourself!

anyway, in my hot pink lace chemise + black satin robe combo that makes me feel like that girl, i send you my sincerest farewell.

until next time!

"Weaving through the coast mountain range in the spring is about as predictable as bull-riding. Sheer faces of jagged rock glisten in the damp and conifers ejecting towers of mist that rise and settle in suspension over the valley and the little metal boxes who haste through it. The sky releases dense rain and windshield wipers at their fastest clamber to keep up with the rate the windscreen is obscured. Just through the thick of it the clouds break and allow the sun to reach back through to bless its children, but this is a mirage. Before long the overcast closes back in and with it the oppressive rainfall, the hazard of the road climbs tenfold again. At times the side windows streak and speckle with water, making blind spots truly blind. In this weather mountaintops have a habit of peering out from under the plume, greeting hello and goodbye as you continue.

Alongside on the highway a lifted black F350 Super Duty defines excess in the fast lane. You can taste the arrogance in the exhaust fumes and when the tires cut through puddles the collateral splashes straight into the windscreen, as if the insatiable driver spit into your face personally.

The downpour and its implications are welcome here. More and more often our summers are replaced by wildfire season. Instead of plumes of mist and comforting blankets of fog we are buried by layers of smoke. Smoke that dries you no matter how much you drink, the smoke that stings no matter how much you blink. The inescapable smell of campfire; proof that there can be too much of a good thing. The smoke that robs you of breath and blue sky. The smoke that brings the bugs out - every insect in the land emerges en masse. In daytime as well as night moths and gnats swarm the light of a gas station like a horde of confused locusts. Mosquitoes do the same but are only after the source of your breath. Every little thing with wings emerges to feast on the Earth's carcass. Driving through the haze will leave the front end of your car looking like a paintball field, minus the neon. Every year this happens and feels more apocalyptic - every year the anxiety grows that our children will catch as many summertime tans as youth in Beijing, or when they finally climb a mountain that called to them as children their reward will be a red disk in a deluge, instead of the depth and blue of the sky colliding with the sea interspersed by flickers of light catching more waves than a hairy van-lifer in the 60s. We would like to believe things were always like this. But we are young, not necessarily stupid - deep down we know the score, but feel powerless to change it. It is an unspoken truth. The best option is to savour while it lasts."
bluntsmoker - 4/22/2024

there are a lot of things that i do not understand about coding. if you have any suggestions/guides on how i can achieve the following goals, please contact me.
why do some of the moji collections grow the width of the box?