network

at the end of september i was invited to a couple of halloween parties by a coworker. well, more like a friend at this point!

i used to be indifferent towards halloween because i don't like being scared, and i never thought i could pull off what the other girls were wearing. it wasn't until i entered university that i understood the joys of a halloween party.

in my early 20's i finally became comfortable with my body and luckily found myself surrounded by people i felt safe to be a bit skimpy around (puberty is hard for a latebloomer who is afraid of the development of secondary sex characteristics).
i couldn't resist the idea of wearing a sexy schoolgirl outfit at least once before my beauty fades, so i did just that with my bestie, accompanied by our boyfriends at the time dressed as sexy professors.

all aspects of that day were fun. going to class, not paying attention in class because i was thinking about dressing up, getting home from class, finally getting to dress up, dolling up, not eating enough, getting drunk with friends, being stupid and silly with drunk friends, and then warmly being guided home.

ahem...back to the matter at hand.
admittedly, i was apprehensive to accept this invitation because i felt as if i was intruding. not only that, but i get worried to meet new people at this age because i have had one too many encounters with those with ill intentions. she assured me that this crowd is welcoming and well-behaved. i had to snap out of my paranoia because if it wasn't for that plague i would have believed her immediately, especially because of the friendly white aura that she obliviously emanates.

eventually i was able to break through my negative assumptions regarding the evils waiting for me at that party and agreed to her offer. she rejoiced and we began planning our costumes.

i already had a few ideas in mind, but one that i needed to get done asap was snooki from the the best reality tv show of all time, the jersey shore.
specifically the snooki that wore mike the situation's neckbrace after a minor car accident in italy.
i was encouraged to do so, but my friend mentioned wanting to do matching costumes. easy. a group of 2010's swagridden hypebeasts. with these ideas in mind, we commenced the procurement of our outfits and waited impaitently for the big weekend to come.

there isn't much to say about the first party that occurred on friday other than that it was fun! crowded with good people and deafened by good music. people went crazy with their costumes, it was a pleasure to see.

to explain my own outfit, i was wearing a pair of ripped denim mini-shorts, a low cut short-sleeved button-up, blackout sunglasses with a gold chain on the front of the frame, a brown patterned purse with a lot of zippers, and a pair of brown fuzzy faux-fur boots. oh and of course the neckbrace! it's very important to remember i wore that thing the whole night.

would i still have rather been at home playing baldur's gate and eating hot chip in my lonesome? yes.
but it was extremely refreshing to be in a big crowd of well-behaved humans! this gave me a lot of hope for the next party on saturday. what didn't give me hope was smoking a joint on the roof and realizing it was already 3am. i was sleeping over at my galpal's place, so i got our asses an uber back to her place and knocked out.

the next morning i didn't wake up with a hangover, just tired as fuck and in no mood to go to another party. however, i really wanted to wear my hypebeast fit, and i couldn't leave my friend to swag alone. there's something about the early hypebeast that gets me going.

i wore an obey branded sweater, a sleeveless denim vest, the same sunglasses as the night before, acid-washed skinny jeans with those weird ribs and unnecessary zippers, an ushanka, and black vans (although that doesn't matter because the party was hosted at an asian household with a strict 'no shoes inside' policy).

after a bahn mi and a nap, i generated enough fuel to get myself ready and travel to the next party.

once i got to the building, i buzzed in and hopped into an elevator with normal, un-costumed people whom i shared a little chuckle with over my swagilicious, period-accurate outfit. yet another simple pleasure of halloween.

i met my friend at the door and she guided me through the crowd. like the previous party, this place was pretty packed! lots of chit chat. lots of cheers. lots of hugs with people i barely knew. it was kind of nice?

after getting accustomed with the others, one of the hosts decided to lead the stoners outside to share a joint. this included the friend i went with, so it was only customary for me to join. i used to be a total fiend for weed, but i cut down on my consumption pretty significantly prior to this. the puffs from the previous night were a pretty big thing for me, but i was too drunk and tired to realize that.
the rotation began and i tapped out once the roach made it back my way. someone else can have that harsh hit.

at this point i had gotten way too high way too quickly.
am i being weird? do these people think i'm being weird? my heart was racing, i was shivering, i couldn't concentrate, i was shielded by sunglasses but couldn't look anyone in the eyes, i was out of body. it had been a long time since i had an attack in public. i thought this was the end of the night for me. that i had to go home.

but then i looked around... i'm really out here talking to some girl dressed as megamind and some guy dressed as akatsuki era itachi. i began to find comfort that i didn't know these people. they don't know how i am. these people don't give a fuck about me being weird.

that grounded me enough to the point where i was able pull out my phone to write down the rest of the thoughts i couldn't process. this started as an excercise given to me by a therapist i had years prior. she noted two things about me:
(1) that i exhibit a freeze response when i try to process multiple thoughts at once and
(2) that i favor written communication.
so she told me to try writing my thoughts when i notice i'm frozen.

this is what i was able to get out while in a frozen state:

to calm the panic
write the thoughts to process later
- the modern masquerade = costume party
- the modern author = P
- the marijuana mindexplorers

i felt better knowing i could delve into these topics at a later, safer time. but now that i see them again, i don't believe there is much more to expand on. at least not in this moment.

as much as i wanted to talk about all of this with these people, i couldn't stop myself from thinking that i would come off as too weird (even though these same people were going on and on about conspiracies and other niche topics).

with that thought in mind, i decided i should just take a break. a few others including megamind and itachi joined in this migration, but i made sure to find a quiet spot away from everyone which ironically ended up being the middle of the room.

anyway, i eventually gathered myself and went back outside. i was welcomed back warmly and easily re-entered the conversation.

later, the akatsuki era itachi joined us again. he mentioned that he saw me typing something on my phone earlier and asked if i had been writing a poem.

i had been caught. i felt a bit of embarassment. something i didn't want noticed was noticed. but honestly, isn't that such a sweet way to inquire about the panic induced grounding session i just had? another simple pleasure of halloween seems to be finding sweet people in the crowd. it had been far too long.
i replied. yeah, something like that!

and then i somehow found myself eating carnitas back at my galpal's place. the end!

"Weaving through the coast mountain range in the spring is about as predictable as bull-riding. Sheer faces of jagged rock glisten in the damp and conifers ejecting towers of mist that rise and settle in suspension over the valley and the little metal boxes who haste through it. The sky releases dense rain and windshield wipers at their fastest clamber to keep up with the rate the windscreen is obscured. Just through the thick of it the clouds break and allow the sun to reach back through to bless its children, but this is a mirage. Before long the overcast closes back in and with it the oppressive rainfall, the hazard of the road climbs tenfold again. At times the side windows streak and speckle with water, making blind spots truly blind. In this weather mountaintops have a habit of peering out from under the plume, greeting hello and goodbye as you continue.

Alongside on the highway a lifted black F350 Super Duty defines excess in the fast lane. You can taste the arrogance in the exhaust fumes and when the tires cut through puddles the collateral splashes straight into the windscreen, as if the insatiable driver spit into your face personally.

The downpour and its implications are welcome here. More and more often our summers are replaced by wildfire season. Instead of plumes of mist and comforting blankets of fog we are buried by layers of smoke. Smoke that dries you no matter how much you drink, the smoke that stings no matter how much you blink. The inescapable smell of campfire; proof that there can be too much of a good thing. The smoke that robs you of breath and blue sky. The smoke that brings the bugs out - every insect in the land emerges en masse. In daytime as well as night moths and gnats swarm the light of a gas station like a horde of confused locusts. Mosquitoes do the same but are only after the source of your breath. Every little thing with wings emerges to feast on the Earth's carcass. Driving through the haze will leave the front end of your car looking like a paintball field, minus the neon. Every year this happens and feels more apocalyptic - every year the anxiety grows that our children will catch as many summertime tans as youth in Beijing, or when they finally climb a mountain that called to them as children their reward will be a red disk in a deluge, instead of the depth and blue of the sky colliding with the sea interspersed by flickers of light catching more waves than a hairy van-lifer in the 60s. We would like to believe things were always like this. But we are young, not necessarily stupid - deep down we know the score, but feel powerless to change it. It is an unspoken truth. The best option is to savour while it lasts."
bluntsmoker - 4/22/2024