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i was able to befriend the bartenders at the bar on the first floor of the office. they're both so funny, but one in particular is hilarious. turns out this dude is an author that makes most of his money by writing gay fiction. i jokingly said that he probably wrote killing stalking, and he shot me a look

he immediately opened up to me about the novels he had written and about all of his favorite manhwas. he was shocked that i knew so much about what he was talking about until i told him i was a narutoxsasuke stan when i was like 8. the other bartender and my normie friends told us to knock it off and talk about things that everyone could join in on. and then these straight women started talking about their hinge dates.. which i definitely cannot join in on because fuck allat bullshit. i told the new gay bestie that we'd continue our conversation another day, but unfortunately i got sick and wasn't able to go to the office.

this gave me a ton of time to think about all this fujoshi shit. i hear a lot of discourse about how nasty fujos are, yet most of the people saying that are the same gooners that got mad about tifa's outfit in the remake covering too much of her cleavage. either that or they're just people that have their own unhealthy obsessions.
i can't deny how big of an impact that yaoi has made on my life. i recall the first time i read a naruxsasu doujinshi in 2009. there wasn't anything sexual. just two guys in love. i even used to read it (and other yaoi manga/doujin) to prevent me from having existential anxiety attacks when i was in high school. looking at drawings of handsome men in love really settled the worries in my head. sometimes i wonder if i am drawn to it because i want to be in those relationships. as a boy. but then i think about how awesome it is to be a woman... and then i remember about how awful it is to be a woman.

relationships have always been so hard for me. my partners rush for affection, yet i haven't met anyone who i thought was actually worthy of my affection. i give it to them anyway because that's what you're supposed to do.. right? but i end up feeling empty. resentful, even. i plan cute dates, help them out, give them words of encouragement and support, and then they're like "SEX TIME." bitch tf? according to the yaoi mangas i read, the sex part doesn't happen until that loving sentiment is returned. but yaoi isn't reality. i guess this is reality... ok then, well... let's get to it.. wait, you don't even have a condom, do you? you piece of shit. i know i'm on the pill, but still. go get some at 7/11 already so i have time to smoke first.

that behavior was in the past. i've now learned that i don't have to do anything i don't want to in relationships. but now that i have this new mentality, i'm never able to make it past the second date. why do they always try to kiss me on the second date!? i don't even know if you have mono or not, you freak! that behavior is unacceptable fr.
this has all made me hopeless about romance, and honestly, i'm okay with that for now. my goals have changed. and they're nowhere in-line with the "goals" that people i see seem to have. getting into a relationship or having sex with someone is never anything to brag about. it's not even an accomplishment. if anything, it's often a curse. and it lingers. being alone is freeing.

on that note, i've been watching a lot of free! iwatobi swim club, and it's so fun seeing all these boyfriends grow together. as cringe as it is, anime like free! helped me understand how i want to be treated by those closest to me and by all potentital suitors. i'm in no rush. but i'm definitely in a rush to read more yaoi. maybe some harukaxmakoto.
by the power of yaoi, give me strength! and delusion!!

"Weaving through the coast mountain range in the spring is about as predictable as bull-riding. Sheer faces of jagged rock glisten in the damp and conifers ejecting towers of mist that rise and settle in suspension over the valley and the little metal boxes who haste through it. The sky releases dense rain and windshield wipers at their fastest clamber to keep up with the rate the windscreen is obscured. Just through the thick of it the clouds break and allow the sun to reach back through to bless its children, but this is a mirage. Before long the overcast closes back in and with it the oppressive rainfall, the hazard of the road climbs tenfold again. At times the side windows streak and speckle with water, making blind spots truly blind. In this weather mountaintops have a habit of peering out from under the plume, greeting hello and goodbye as you continue.

Alongside on the highway a lifted black F350 Super Duty defines excess in the fast lane. You can taste the arrogance in the exhaust fumes and when the tires cut through puddles the collateral splashes straight into the windscreen, as if the insatiable driver spit into your face personally.

The downpour and its implications are welcome here. More and more often our summers are replaced by wildfire season. Instead of plumes of mist and comforting blankets of fog we are buried by layers of smoke. Smoke that dries you no matter how much you drink, the smoke that stings no matter how much you blink. The inescapable smell of campfire; proof that there can be too much of a good thing. The smoke that robs you of breath and blue sky. The smoke that brings the bugs out - every insect in the land emerges en masse. In daytime as well as night moths and gnats swarm the light of a gas station like a horde of confused locusts. Mosquitoes do the same but are only after the source of your breath. Every little thing with wings emerges to feast on the Earth's carcass. Driving through the haze will leave the front end of your car looking like a paintball field, minus the neon. Every year this happens and feels more apocalyptic - every year the anxiety grows that our children will catch as many summertime tans as youth in Beijing, or when they finally climb a mountain that called to them as children their reward will be a red disk in a deluge, instead of the depth and blue of the sky colliding with the sea interspersed by flickers of light catching more waves than a hairy van-lifer in the 60s. We would like to believe things were always like this. But we are young, not necessarily stupid - deep down we know the score, but feel powerless to change it. It is an unspoken truth. The best option is to savour while it lasts."
bluntsmoker - 4/22/2024

there are a lot of things that i do not know how to implement. if you have any suggestions/guides on how i can achieve the following goals, please contact me!

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