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at the end of september i was invited to a couple of halloween parties by a coworker. well, more like a friend at this point!

i used to be indifferent towards halloween because i don't like being scared, and i never thought i could pull off what the other girls were wearing. it wasn't until i entered university that i understood the joys of a halloween party.

in my early 20's i finally became comfortable with my body and luckily found myself surrounded by people i felt safe to be a bit skimpy around (puberty is hard for a latebloomer who is afraid of the development of secondary sex characteristics).
i couldn't resist the idea of wearing a sexy schoolgirl outfit at least once before my beauty fades, so i did just that with my bestie, accompanied by our boyfriends at the time dressed as sexy professors.

all aspects of that day were fun. going to class, not paying attention in class because i was thinking about dressing up, getting home from class, finally getting to dress up, dolling up, not eating enough, getting drunk with friends, being stupid and silly with drunk friends, and then warmly being guided home.

ahem...back to the matter at hand.
admittedly, i was apprehensive to accept this invitation because i felt as if i was intruding. not only that, but i get worried to meet new people at this age because i have had one too many encounters with those with ill intentions. she assured me that this crowd is welcoming and well-behaved. i had to snap out of my paranoia because if it wasn't for that plague i would have believed her immediately, especially because of the friendly white aura that she obliviously emanates.

eventually i was able to break through my negative assumptions regarding the evils waiting for me at that party and agreed to her offer. she rejoiced and we began planning our costumes.

i already had a few ideas in mind, but one that i needed to get done asap was snooki from the the best reality tv show of all time, the jersey shore.
specifically the snooki that wore mike the situation's neckbrace after a minor car accident in italy.
i was encouraged to do so, but my friend mentioned wanting to do matching costumes. easy. a group of 2010's swagridden hypebeasts. with these ideas in mind, we commenced the procurement of our outfits and waited impaitently for the big weekend to come.

there isn't much to say about the first party that occurred on friday other than that it was fun! crowded with good people and deafened by good music. people went crazy with their costumes, it was a pleasure to see.

to explain my own outfit, i was wearing a pair of ripped denim mini-shorts, a low cut short-sleeved button-up, blackout sunglasses with a gold chain on the front of the frame, a brown patterned purse with a lot of zippers, and a pair of brown fuzzy faux-fur boots. oh and of course the neckbrace! it's very important to remember i wore that thing the whole night.

would i still have rather been at home playing baldur's gate and eating hot chip in my lonesome? yes.
but it was extremely refreshing to be in a big crowd of well-behaved humans! this gave me a lot of hope for the next party on saturday. what didn't give me hope was smoking a joint on the roof and realizing it was already 3am. i was sleeping over at my galpal's place, so i got our asses an uber back to her place and knocked out.

the next morning i didn't wake up with a hangover, just tired as fuck and in no mood to go to another party. however, i really wanted to wear my hypebeast fit, and i couldn't leave my friend to swag alone. there's something about the early hypebeast that gets me going.

i wore an obey branded sweater, a sleeveless denim vest, the same sunglasses as the night before, acid-washed skinny jeans with those weird ribs and unnecessary zippers, an ushanka, and black vans (although that doesn't matter because the party was hosted at an asian household with a strict 'no shoes inside' policy).

after a bahn mi and a nap, i generated enough fuel to get myself ready and travel to the next party.

once i got to the building, i buzzed in and hopped into an elevator with normal, un-costumed people whom i shared a little chuckle with over my swagilicious, period-accurate outfit. yet another simple pleasure of halloween.

i met my friend at the door and she guided me through the crowd. like the previous party, this place was pretty packed! lots of chit chat. lots of cheers. lots of hugs with people i barely knew. it was kind of nice?

after getting accustomed with the others, one of the hosts decided to lead the stoners outside to share a joint. this included the friend i went with, so it was only customary for me to join. i used to be a total fiend for weed, but i cut down on my consumption pretty significantly prior to this. the puffs from the previous night were a pretty big thing for me, but i was too drunk and tired to realize that.
the rotation began and i tapped out once the roach made it back my way. someone else can have that harsh hit.

at this point i had gotten way too high way too quickly.
am i being weird? do these people think i'm being weird? my heart was racing, i was shivering, i couldn't concentrate, i was shielded by sunglasses but couldn't look anyone in the eyes, i was out of body. it had been a long time since i had an attack in public. i thought this was the end of the night for me. that i had to go home.

but then i looked around... i'm really out here talking to some girl dressed as megamind and some guy dressed as akatsuki era itachi. i began to find comfort that i didn't know these people. they don't know how i am. these people don't give a fuck about me being weird.

that grounded me enough to the point where i was able pull out my phone to write down the rest of the thoughts i couldn't process. this started as an excercise given to me by a therapist i had years prior. she noted two things about me:
(1) that i exhibit a freeze response when i try to process multiple thoughts at once and
(2) that i favor written communication.
so she told me to try writing my thoughts when i notice i'm frozen.

this is what i was able to get out while in a frozen state:

to calm the panic
write the thoughts to process later
- the modern masquerade = costume party
- the modern author = P
- the marijuana mindexplorers

i felt better knowing i could delve into these topics at a later, safer time. but now that i see them again, i don't believe there is much more to expand on. at least not in this moment.

as much as i wanted to talk about all of this with these people, i couldn't stop myself from thinking that i would come off as too weird (even though these same people were going on and on about conspiracies and other niche topics).

with that thought in mind, i decided i should just take a break. a few others including megamind and itachi joined in this migration, but i made sure to find a quiet spot away from everyone which ironically ended up being the middle of the room.

anyway, i eventually gathered myself and went back outside. i was welcomed back warmly and easily re-entered the conversation.

later, the akatsuki era itachi joined us again. he mentioned that he saw me typing something on my phone earlier and asked if i had been writing a poem.

i had been caught. i felt a bit of embarassment. something i didn't want noticed was noticed. but honestly, isn't that such a sweet way to inquire about the panic induced grounding session i just had? another simple pleasure of halloween seems to be finding sweet people in the crowd. it had been far too long.
i replied. yeah, something like that!

and then i somehow found myself eating carnitas back at my galpal's place. the end!

i'm experiencing what i think is called "gender euphoria" and everyone needs to know.

as i've grown into my adult body, i often find myself hating the way it looks because there are just so many avenues that i can go down in regards to fashion. i've gone through so many fashion phases. most notably, i was an alt-adjacent baddie out of high school that turned into a dark bohemian when the pandemic hit. which btw was really hard to translate into something i could wear to work. i think this fact was made even worse because i went straight into office jobs. corporate workwear is quite bland. or siren-y. and i'm neither! i'm more of a cutie-pie than a sexy office siren, but it's hard to find cute clothes for grown women.

or so i thought, until i walked into a vintage store that had gems on gems on gems hanging on those racks. i found so many pieces, right next to one another, that would typically take months to find in a regular thrift store. i was about to put down this blue mesh shirt because how tf am i supposed to wear that, but thank goodness i was there with the gals, who reassured me that i can wear a black camisole underneath.

is that not inappropriate to wear to work? i asked.
girl, who gives a fuck, my friend replied.

so true, but i don't really want to turn any heads.
then i remembered an episode of the best sitcom of all time, girlfriends, where joan, a corporate lawyer, wore a seethrough top to work with only a bra underneath. of course it caused a bit of a stir, but i guess that is the whole point. it's okay to turn heads, as long as i'm covered and comfortable. and with that motivation, i continued to sift through the racks.

i eventually found this sleeveless, jewel-neck, scrunchy top with a hypnotizing pattern on it. it is 100% work appropriate, and i'm a sucker for funky patterns, so that was an immediate purchase. there were a few other garments i almost could not resist, but every piece was ~$20, so i had to be really picky. some gems had to be put back on the rack as they were damaged, made with scratchy fabric, or wouldn't fit right.

and then i found it. the hot pink lace chemise with black lace trim of my dreams. a la the one i saw in that one episode of girlfriends that maya was wearing during her encounter w/ darnell post marriage counseling. it's my size, undamaged, AND soft!?
...ermmm, yea this is definitely coming with me.

i walked up to that check-out counter with my head held high. and i found a little spam keychain that i picked up for the friend that reassured me about the first blouse. absolutely blessed shopping spree.

once i got home, i washed it real real well (especially because secondhand dirty-deed clothes are typically nasty af) then immediately put it on once it dried. i haven't been able to take it off since. i will wash and dry this thing every day if i have to.

does all this shopping talk fatigue you? well, you should know that fashion is an integral part of the human condition. you have to wear clothes out in the world (which may be unfortunate to some, but they got some screws missing. full offense), so it's worth exploring and improving in. it's also one of the easiest ways to express yourself!

anyway, in my hot pink lace chemise + black satin robe combo that makes me feel like that girl, i send you my sincerest farewell.

until next time!

i was able to befriend the bartenders at the bar on the first floor of the office. they're both so funny, but one in particular is hilarious. turns out this dude is an author that makes most of his money by writing gay fiction. i jokingly said that he probably wrote killing stalking, and he shot me a look

he immediately opened up to me about the novels he had written and about all of his favorite manhwas. he was shocked that i knew so much about what he was talking about until i told him i was a narutoxsasuke stan when i was like 8. the other bartender and my normie friends told us to knock it off and talk about things that everyone could join in on. and then these straight women started talking about their hinge dates.. which i definitely cannot join in on because fuck allat bullshit. i told the new gay bestie that we'd continue our conversation another day, but unfortunately i got sick and wasn't able to go to the office.

this gave me a ton of time to think about all this fujoshi shit. i hear a lot of discourse about how nasty fujos are, yet most of the people saying that are the same gooners that got mad about tifa's outfit in the remake covering too much of her cleavage. either that or they're just people that have their own unhealthy obsessions.
i can't deny how big of an impact that yaoi has made on my life. i recall the first time i read a naruxsasu doujinshi in 2009. there wasn't anything sexual. just two guys in love. i even used to read it (and other yaoi manga/doujin) to prevent me from having existential anxiety attacks when i was in high school. looking at drawings of handsome men in love really settled the worries in my head. sometimes i wonder if i am drawn to it because i want to be in those relationships. as a boy. but then i think about how awesome it is to be a woman... and then i remember about how awful it is to be a woman.

relationships have always been so hard for me. my partners rush for affection, yet i haven't met anyone who i thought was actually worthy of my affection. i give it to them anyway because that's what you're supposed to do.. right? but i end up feeling empty. resentful, even. i plan cute dates, help them out, give them words of encouragement and support, and then they're like "SEX TIME." bitch tf? according to the yaoi mangas i read, the sex part doesn't happen until that loving sentiment is returned. but yaoi isn't reality. i guess this is reality... ok then, well... let's get to it.. wait, you don't even have a condom, do you? you piece of shit. i know i'm on the pill, but still. go get some at 7/11 already so i have time to smoke first.

that behavior was in the past. i've now learned that i don't have to do anything i don't want to in relationships. but now that i have this new mentality, i'm never able to make it past the second date. why do they always try to kiss me on the second date!? i don't even know if you have mono or not, you freak! that behavior is unacceptable fr.
this has all made me hopeless about romance, and honestly, i'm okay with that for now. my goals have changed. and they're nowhere in-line with the "goals" that people i see seem to have. getting into a relationship or having sex with someone is never anything to brag about. it's not even an accomplishment. if anything, it's often a curse. and it lingers. being alone is freeing.

on that note, i've been watching a lot of free! iwatobi swim club, and it's so fun seeing all these boyfriends grow together. as cringe as it is, anime like free! helped me understand how i want to be treated by those closest to me and by all potentital suitors. i'm in no rush. but i'm definitely in a rush to read more yaoi. maybe some harukaxmakoto.
by the power of yaoi, give me strength! and delusion!!

unfortunately, i've found myself suffering from a case of heartbreak. not of the typical cause. but all heartbreaks have the same symptoms. a feeling of shattering.
i find it interesting how each case of heartbreak resurfaces all the old cases. scars itch sometimes. i know that. i shouldn't be so surprised.

this ailment caused me to seek refuge back into my room. to get away from all the noise and return to a place of comfort.
however, i've been spending so much time out in the world that i've failed to take care of my home. i don't think i have the amount of energy a healthy human has, so every day of life is rather exhausting. and when you're largely solo-leveling, every task takes more time. i come home after taking care of my financial and social needs just to barely have enough time to squeeze in a meal, a shower, and some entertainment. not to mention the other chores i need to do in between everything. and the physical distance between it all.

i was disgusted at the mess in front of me, but this illness prevented me from getting up and changing anything. the dishes are piling up. when was the last time i did the laundry? ugh fuck and i need to take out the trash. and where tf is the cat food? it said it was delivered. fuck it's probably next door. i don't want to go outside. i don't wany anyone to see me. i don't want to go outside again. i don't want to be here. and i still need to make all those appointments. fuck and i forgot to respond to so-and-so. ugh fuck why why why did they do this to me? i can't focus. why did they do this? i can't stand them. i can't stand any of this shit. what were they thinking? i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to be here anymore. why did they hurt me? and it's not just them.
i cried. from the stress. from the aching.

until my little kitty's OBNOXIOUS FUCKING CRIES snapped me out of it.
i apologized to her and quickly made my way to the fridge to get her the last quarter of the pate. my cat learned to sit before eating, so i waited for my cue before placing the food down. i crouched down to pet her. the tears and snot were dripping down my face and onto the floor while i was giggling to myself that my cat fully doesn't give a shit that i'm crying. she's just thinking mmm nyam nyam pate nyam scrimp pate nyam mnyam mm with gravy nyam nyam. and i respect that.

i took a deep breath and wiped my tears. and snot. i did what i could, giving myself the grace to leave the rest for a future me. and as the spoiled brat i am, i requested to WFH for the rest of the week. s/o to flexible working hours fr.
this allowed me the time to decompress. reprioritize. ruminate a lil. ponder the orb. and with a clearer mind, i could finally take care of my home. and now my e-home!
and it's great timing too. so many others seem to be in the web editing mood too.

every time i get caught up in the nonsense and bullshit of the physical world, i'm always lulled into a calmness by the kind usernames glowing on my screen. bits of advice. friendly conversation. goofs and gaffs.

but...

that sense of comfort i was craving after having returned to a familiar place never came.

and now i have to go to bed. i have to work tomorrow. i hope it doesn't rain. and that the trains are scheduled normally. did i put my laptop in my bag? and i need to pack lunch. and pick an outfit for tomorrow. i wonder if it's warm enough to wear that dress. then i'll brush my teeth. take my meds. ugh i should've blow-dried my hair. it's all frizzy now. oh wait wtf there are still dishes in the sink?

i spent some time in the middle of corn country to hang out with the bestie. we don't get to see each other often now that there is more than 100 miles between us, but we try to see each other around this time of the year to celebrate our belated birthdays together. since we both share an interest in piercings, we decided that there is no better way to celebrate this reunion and rotation around the sun than getting some piercings.

she brought me to a place she has been to before, but warned me that the place is, in her words, ''shady as fuck.'' after parking the car in a small gravel lot, we approached the shop and entered into a dark room lined with colorful flash sheets and display cases filled with silver jewlery. a sleazy looking dude welcomed us with a low, grizzly, but surprisingly warm voice and asked what he can do for us. we told him we're here for a few piercings and he led us to the waiting area. this room was dripping in character. the floor was made of red and white vinyl tiles and the brick walls painted in black were decorated with shelves of punk and grunge memorabilia. i look up and notice garlands made of hundreds of raw cone boxes. they must have been there prior to [lost].

we were seated in front of a woman getting a tattoo. turns out, a lady was there with her bachelorette party. interesting activity for a bachelorette party, but what else is there to do in the middle of nowhere? maiden of honor was talking about what to get. the party suggests a rose. borrrrrring. she opposes; she didn't want to get a rose because she already has one with her husband's name. one suggests to cover it up because she's getting a divorce anyway. the maiden of honor agrees and states she hates her soon to be ex-husband. awkward laughter from me. we conversed a bit more, and the party told me they don't know how i can endure piercings. i said i don't know how they can endure tattoos. quick sharp paid vs prolonged medium pain. mutual respect i guess. and i will admit, the healing process for a piercing can be years.

a massive, heavily tattooed and pierced man appeared and called my friend and i over. both of us, intimidated, grew silent. he noticed our apprehension and played the part until he turned on goofball mode. he gave us a big smile and reassured that he was just playing. although this is the 12th time i've gotten a piercing, anxiety never fails to pool up once you sit in that faux leather operating seat. his silly quips eased that anxiety and made the whole process a blast. first the conch. no problem (5/10). but the flat!? holy fuck that hurt (8/10).

at the end, we exchanged our cash tips for a couple of juice boxes. we squealed in excitement at our fresh piercings, and cracked open those juice boxes after saying our goodbyes. cheers!

what's up! it has been a while since i updated this site. unfortunately, my computer threw a bit of a tantrum, and i had to reinstall windows. my backed up files were returned in a garbled mess. the reorganization of all of my files was exhausting. and then i had to do it twice! and i fear it will happen once more! but for now, we're in the clear. seems to have resolved.

in regards to the site, the marquee function stopped working for the featured works when i broke my style sheet and i'm still unsure how to fix it. i opted to just leave it as a regular scrollable box. which.. by the way. is new to me.
does it look good? i implemented it in my blog page as well. i'm testing some accordion options for that page, but i'll 100% be lazy and just link to the text file.

nothing else i can really think of saying. maybe watch out for some new music? trying to make a lounge room where you can listen to different playlists, but i have no motivation rn.

oh, in regards to my personal life? u want to know? i'm doing great...

have a good day thanks for checking in ^_^

i have been surfing the web for nearly 2 decades, and i have encountered some of the cutest art ever imaginable. i've collected a lot of these pieces, and i'm happy to finally have a place to broadcast them. please visit my /collections page for all your cute image needs!

the images i have uploaded as of now are mainly small pixels which have been archived on emojibank.com.
there are two immediate issues with emojibank: searches need to be in non-romanized japanese and you are ''required'' to login to save emojis. i say that in quotations because, like most things, there is a workaround.
MY issue with emojibank is that it is hard to navigate. not only do you have to properly translate stuff into japanese, but you have to consider when to use hiragana, katakana, or kanji. most e-translators will immediately give you a translation using katakana or kanji, but that may not give you the most/best results.

regardless, emojibank has always been one of my favorite sites to browse for hours on end. it's easy to get lost in a cultural rabbit hole on that site. i love it.

next up will be sayclub dolls! sayclub is a korean social media site. i'm not too familiar with it, but what i do know is they have a lot of cute pixels on there.
and then i hope to make my own sozai! sozai are assets that the creator wants you to use on your site. no credit needed.

the real world has got me busy. i'm so blessed to have a good work life balance, but i wish i had a life and life balance. life is being alive. filing my taxes. cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner. maintaining relations. life is being alive. doing shit i love to do. learning about ME. that part of life has gotten so small. sometimes i lose grasp of who i really am. or at least who i think i am. but i am reminded, i'm every woman; it's all in me. i'm all of those ''personas.'' i'm happy and kind. i'm mean and bratty. i'm oblivious and naive. i'm clever and sneaky. i'm confused and frustrated. i'm funny and playful. i'm everything. in all combinations.

but one thing i know is that i am soft.

there has been imagery playing on repeat in my daydreams. a pansy being stepped on.
imagine stomping on a pansy and then being like ''grow a backbone you pathetic weakling.'' that's how a lot of interactions feel to me. i can navigate, but it is exhausting. disheartening even.

clearly it is too much to ask to be handled with care, but what i don't understand is, if you're not going to handle it with care, why even handle it at all? why do you want to handle it so badly when you won't even take proper care of it? it's just a little strange. i hope everyone reading gets taken care of fproperly.. and that they do the same for those around them. the world doesn't have to be so miserable, but it will continue to be because misery loves company. and there i go being a pessimist GROSS! let me snap out of it. i'm truly grateful that my circles are filled with kind, caring people. i hope we continue being the change we want to see.

stay sweet.

i've been finding it hard to hold conversations with those on the net for a few months now, and i think it is mainly because i'm finding these conversations to be pointless. i don't want to live in an echo chamber, but i find that far more comfortable, and it promotes a healthier (or maybe just positive) mindset for myself. i feel heard in the chamber. a chamber filled of people with beating hearts.
i cannot wrap my head around the hate of the world. why do people care so much about the lives of others? and isn't it hypocritical of me to be saying these things? caring so deeply about the opinions of a stranger? i'd say so, but i'd rather be a hypocrite than an someone who actively takes the joy out of every single thing.

it is especially frustrating to talk to the terminally online. sometimes i feel like i was the only one who took the whole "touch grass" shit seriously. i really went out there and touched grass. i laid in it. i examined it. i frolicked across it. i cried into it.

there is a feeling of constant hazard on the net. that i'll be hurt. i'll be hurt by people who don't take the time to understand. the apathetic. the cynists. the pessimists. the nihilists. and of course, the "realists."
why the fuck would i want to be surrounded by all of that? to find a glimmer in a desolate plain? is it worth it? when there are so many glimmers looking me in the eyes? every day? taking me out to dinner? catching up over coffee and a biscuit? collecting shells on the shore? sharing a sandwich? why why why would i ever want to be surrounded by so much hazard?
the answer is because the glimmer is undeniable. no matter where i find myself, the glimmer is there. i want to touch it. to hold it close and nurture it. but the obstacles to reach it are making me feel unsafe and unwanted.

i think i'll stick to talking to real people who live in the real world and experience real life everyday. at least until it feels safe to tread in the vaporwaves once again.

i broke like three parts of my site last night but i was so tired i couldn't figure out what was wrong. turns out i'm just really bad at figuring out where div tags go. it was also pretty sick to be able to knock out a few things that were on my to-do list. with my current resources, my code is as condensed as i comprehend and page formats have been finalized, at least in my brain. coding it though?? ...
i need more time to work on my creations page since i have so many ideas. like what about little outing reviews? i love food review.. snack review... omfg. one day this place will be filled with all my yappings.

now for P. i've been so up and active that i've had no time to just sit and relax. but finally the weekend is here. that means i have at least a little more time to spend on myself. i want to be able to update my site, but i'm starting to rather hang out with people irl. i thought my retreat to the web was going to last a bit longer. i retreated to recoup. there were energy vampires around me that i allowed to get far too close. so i went back to the place that felt most comfortable. it's been truly therapeutic. now that i've recovered a lot of my strength, i'm excited to LIVE AGAIN

still, that big sad. it never truly leaves. but like mr. siffre says, 'the blues is always the same... give me your hand, i'll give you my mind. it's a fair exchange if you're deaf, dumb and blind. and we're sold out, well, that's what it's all about! '

long time no update! life has been throwing me some hoops to jump through. although i'm tired, you already know my ass successfully jumped through all those hoops with fervor and unprecedented swagger.

the first thing i wanted to do after settling in my new place was to update my site. if i'm updating my home i should also update my digital home, right? and i guess everyone in my digital circle was also feeling the creative juices coursing through their veins. it motivated me. it motivated me so much that i decided to do extra credit and create a button! it seems like most people don't have transparent site buttons, but the background looks stupid with the logo imo. anyhoo, if we cool, feel free to feature me on your personal site using one of the buttons in my about page. i made different color combos. thinking of making special ones for holidays.

i'm also planning on writing more 'philosophical' shit in the blog section, but for now it is an archive for main page posts. i also plan on adding recipes and reviews there. baby steps.

that's all for now. i'm exhausted. stay well, digital citizen!

what the frick is up? welcome to my site!
i was recently motivated to create this place by an e-friend. i tried understanding the basics, but i simply don't have it in me to learn the nitty and the gritty.

but the web doesn't have to be so inaccessible to plebs like me! i remember scrolling for hours trying to find the best profile codes. can't i do that for a personal site? me thinks i can.

this site is actually kinda old, but i haven't customized it much until now. i used to be literate enough to design pages, so hopefully, with exposure, i can build this site up. wish me luck!